Fifteen Years Married

It was our wedding anniversary, but I couldn’t wait to leave the house. His day off; he’d be home all day. I was in such a rush I forgot to take my mobile. When I returned after lunch he confronted me.

‘Why is this bloke texting you?’

It was an old school friend. We had just recently reconnected and he’d sent me an innocent text: Hi gorgeous, hope you’re having a good day.

‘Why are you reading my messages?’ I asked.

‘Well, I thought it could have been your work.’

He was losing control of me. I was regaining my independence: I had a job now, freedom. I was making friends and reconnecting with old ones. Things he had never done in his life.

The usual argument followed, but this time I blurted, ‘I don’t want to live with you anymore.’

Did I say that out loud?

It was something I’d been thinking for a long time. Saying those words I was literally shaking in my boots. But afterwards, life magically got better.

As for my shaking — well, it’s something I have lived with since my teenage years. I had been a big drinker back in the day, so had always put it down to the DT’s. I slowed my drinking as I grew older and just accepted the tremors. It wasn’t something I worried about; I was never embarrassed nor hindered by them.

Four years later, a new doctor filling in at the surgery noticed my tremors and was concerned I may have the beginnings of Parkinson’s disease. I was referred to a neurologist.

The neurologist explained that I have familial or essential tremor. It runs in families and starts around puberty. Alcohol and stress are triggers that make the shaking worse on occasion. So now I know.

Nineteen years later I still have tremors, but I’m so much stronger mentally, living my best life.