What’s the best gift you’ve ever received, and the worst?

I posted this question a while back and was inundated with responses. The topic stirred up a lot of emotion, ranging from joy and appreciation, to hilarity, bewilderment, and quiet despair. So many friends chimed in to vent and celebrate in what became a sort of community service announcement: Gifts are important, people — let’s get better at this!

My high school English teacher, Roz, says the perfect gift has 3 elements: it should be personal, beautiful and a surprise. I like this as a guide, and there is certainly an art to gift giving. It’s a form of reciprocity as old as time, the practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit. Anthropologists study reciprocity because it gives insights into our culture — how customs, values, beliefs and social coercion influence our behaviour. Socialisation plays a role: through experience, kids learn to share with others and take turns, and reciprocity is an important element in the development (and continuation) of relationships. 

Some of the most painful moments in relationships come from a dud gift. I was pretty disappointed to receive a watch on my birthday when I was hoping for an engagement ring. My boyfriend (now husband) had no idea, of course — we hadn’t even talked about marriage, which goes to show how crazy expectations coupled with zero communication can lead to trouble.

“If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed,” wrote Sylvia Plath. True enough, but there’s a kind of misery in this attitude, and despite her sober approach to relationships, things didn’t end so well for Plath.

The unspoken nature of giving and receiving makes for swampy territory, beset by feelings of panic, embarrassment, neglect, shame and resentment. We try to be gracious and tend to avoid dwelling too much on gifts, so as not to appear mercenary or brattish. When we get a bad one, we pretend it doesn’t matter, then nurse our sadness in private, lest we seem ungrateful. It’s the thought that counts, right?

But what if there wasn’t much thought taken? Should my friend Tamar be happy with a Parker pen and Anne Geddes notebook bought by her (now ex) husband the morning of her birthday, from the only shop that was open up the road: the newsagents? Should anyone give a 12-year-old a loom unless specifically requested? (poor Sonia).

And how do you teach the art of thoughtful giving to your children when you’re the only one in the family who does the gift shopping? Now listen up, kids, this is how you buy Mummy a special present… Ugh. 

These lists of best and worst gifts are interesting because each category contains a common thread. If you’re a dodgy gift giver (you know who you are) there is something to be learned here: 

10 of the worst presents ever received (in no particular order)

1. A netball skirt. I was 35 and didn’t play netball (Alex).

2. A diet book, and some Nancy Ganz — same person, different Christmas! (Margo).

3. A set of fishing knives that came free with cattle drench. I don’t like fishing (Meg).

4. A small pedestal fan for my 16th birthday. Very functional, growing up in rural NSW with a December birthday and 40 degree heat, but very disappointing (Judith).

5. I had a relative who always gave me a jumper at Christmas because they were on sale. I had to wait 6 months ‘til it was cold enough to wear them (Scott).

6. A plastic day-of-the-week pill box. I don’t take any pills daily (Grace).

7. From my dad for my 15th birthday my first year at boarding school — I was extremely homesick, so very excited to receive the little neatly-wrapped box. I assumed it was jewellery. It was an alarm clock. Weirdest gift was the possum-skin nipple warmers my mum brought me back from New Zealand (Rudi).

8. A street directory (Nicole).

9. Small dumbbells on Valentine’s Day. Nothing says “happy Valentine’s Day, Fatty” like a set of dumbbells (Kelly).

10. A battery operated fly swatter (Kim).

And I’ll add my own for good measure: a vacuum cleaner for my 18th birthday.

What jumps out is how very sad it is to receive something practical when you were hoping for something personal, meaningful or just plain indulgent. And for the love of God, stop gifting appliances to teenage girls!

But what about the good ones? Here are 10 of the best:

1. My husband’s vasectomy (Grace).

2. When living in London, a surprise holiday to Barbados (Tamar).

3. A record player at 10 years old…birthday fantastic (Corinne).

4. A kayak (Bea).

5. My guitar (Meg).

6. A bunny (Nicole).

7. Mr T Bubble bath when we were kids and the A Team was the pinnacle of TV viewing (Scott).

8. Trapeze classes (Evelyn).

9. A custom Aloha surfboard for my 17th. Fluro yellow with blue rails. Epic board! (Craig).

10. For my 60th birthday, my daughter told me to wear hiking gear, prepare for a weekend away with a nice outfit and be at Roseville train station on Saturday morning. Itinerary: pick up and hike around North Head, lunch at Fairy Bower, check in to a boutique hotel in Manly, shower and dress up, ferry to Manly, dinner at Jamie Oliver's Italian restaurant, walk to the Opera House, joined by more friends, Canadian acrobatic comedy performance, ferry back to hotel. Sunday: car positioned for the Spit to Manly hike, swim at a harbour beach, late lunch and back to Roseville station… best gift ever! (Belinda).

Wow.

A good gift is touching because it shows that the person knows what you like. A bad gift can very quickly become a symbol of all that feels wrong about a relationship — that someone doesn’t really see you at all.

My advice? Be upfront. Or buy yourself what you really want; then anything else is a bonus. Unless requested, avoid a functional gift, there is no joy in it, and it only signals the work that lies ahead. A gift should be a delight, a celebration!

Be thoughtful. Pay attention to your loved one’s interests and personal style. Show them you’ve noticed what matters to them and how they enjoy spending their time. The best gifts offer an experience, something fun with a sense of discovery.

And if in doubt, there’s always a voucher. 

A.F.